


Stanley Uris does not love himself

by Fallu



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, idk how to tag this, pennywise whom?? don't know her, richie tries to help, stan thinks too much, the kids are a couple of years older here, this is basically just me dumping my own emotions and thoughts on stan bc why the hell not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 19:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13060176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallu/pseuds/Fallu
Summary: His friends all show their love in different ways: sometimes it’s telling him that he’s kind or that they like his laugh, sometimes it’s wide grins or soft fingers in his hair, sometimes even – though mostly in Richie’s case – it’s light teasing, words that could hurt him but which are said with laughter or sharp fingers poking his ribs over and over again, until he can’t help it but give in and laugh. Yes, they care about him. But he still doesn’t understand.orStan tries to find a reason to love himself.





	Stanley Uris does not love himself

**Author's Note:**

> Just a heads up, English is not my first language so there might be some mistakes, please let me know if you find any!

Stanley Uris does not love himself.

He doesn’t really hate himself either, most of the time at least. He just exists. Even though sometimes he’s not even sure about that.

He’s not an idiot, though. He knows that he has people who care about him a lot. He has six wonderful, amazing friends who love him – Stan’s at least 95% sure about that. He sees no reason for them to lie about it. Stan knows that they love him, but he just cannot understand it.

His friends all show their love in different ways: sometimes it’s telling him that he’s kind or that they like his laugh, sometimes it’s wide grins or soft fingers in his hair, sometimes even – though mostly in Richie’s case – it’s light teasing, words that could hurt him but which are said with laughter or sharp fingers poking his ribs over and over again, until he can’t help it but give in and laugh. Yes, they care about him. But he still doesn’t understand.

Stan has spent countless hours in his room by himself, just staring at himself in the mirror or wandering inside his head, trying to find one single thing that could be worth loving or even liking, but he hasn’t found anything. He’s not brave like Bill or fierce like Beverly or gentle like Ben or loyal like Mike or determined like Eddie or joyful like Richie. He’s not kind, no matter how many times they insist that he is. His face isn’t particularly beautiful. His grades are good, but not the best. He’s not anything above average.

He’s the boy who’s constantly trapped in his own head, trying to make sense of everything even though the only thing that needs to be made sense of is his own self. He’s the boy who’s not entirely enough to be a boy yet he’s also just enough so he cannot really be anything else. He’s the broken puzzle piece that someone threw in the wrong box, but somehow it still seems to fit, even though it’s not just the right color.

Yet, somehow, his friends seem to enjoy his presence. Why?

He wonders this, as he’s sitting in Bill’s room, surrounded by the most important people in his life. They’re laughing at something, probably a joke Richie said, but judging by their faces, this time it didn’t involve Eddie’s mom. Stan chuckles quietly pretending he wasn’t just lost in his own mind. Nobody seems to notice the distant look in his eyes.

They end up having one of the best nights of the whole summer, even though they’re not doing anything else than just lying in a huge pile of tangled limbs and talking, and laughing, and laughing. It’s perfect. The air is thick with the love they share for each other, but Stan just can’t shake the feeling that somehow, it’s not enough, that he’s not enough. The smiles on his lips die a little too fast. Nobody notices, or if they do, they don’t say anything.

They would’ve probably stayed there the whole night, but eventually Eddie’s mom shows up to take his son home. They’re not little kids anymore and even Mrs. Kaspbrak knows that, but she still doesn’t like it when Eddie sleeps over at his friends’ places. And since Eddie can’t stay, the rest of the group decides to go home too. It’s no fun hanging out if they can’t all be together.

Stan is the last one to get his shoelaces tied, and by the time he’s ready to leave, only Richie is there waiting for him. He and Stan live close to each other, so they usually walk home together. Stan would never admit it out loud to him, but he’s grateful for having some company, especially today. They wave goodbye to Bill and his little brother, Georgie, who’s rubbing his eyes tiredly but with a huge smile on his face. The poor boy should’ve probably been asleep hours ago, but he was just too excited about all of Bill’s friends being over, and nobody could say no to his puppy eyes when he begged to stay up “just for another five minutes, I promise”.

Stan steps outside and is immediately met with a wall of cool night air, but he welcomes it with open arms after the ridiculously hot day. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath – and suddenly something touches his arm.

“You okay there, Stan the man?” Richie asks with a smile.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Stan replies and forces his legs to move. Of course he had noticed. Richie always saw everything.

“I don’t know. You’ve just been kinda quiet today. Even more than usual”, Richie says. He still doesn’t look too worried, so Stan can only hope he buys his excuse.

“Just tired.”

Richie stops, and after a couple of steps, Stan does too. With a sigh, he turns to face Richie.

“Hey, man.” Richie’s voice is uncharacteristically soft. “I’m not gonna force you to talk about it. Just… You know we care about you, right?”

Oh, Richie. That’s exactly the point.

“Yeah, I know”, Stan says, a little taken aback by Richie’s sudden seriousness.

“Good. Can’t have our favorite boy Stanley be depressed. Who will laugh at my jokes if you’re not around?”

“I’ve literally never laughed at your jokes, Richie.”

“Now that’s a lie and we both know that.”

Stan can’t help the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth and he tries to hide his face with his hand. But suddenly Richie is there, grabbing his wrists and pulling them down. His hands are warm.

“No way! You’re actually smiling! I thought I’d have to make a thousand jokes about Eddie’s mom before I’d see this.” Richie’s face is almost beaming behind his huge glasses.

“Beep beep”, Stan says pulling his arms back to himself, but his voice lacks its usual edge.

“Come on, I didn’t even say anything. You can’t beep at me if I don’t do anything wrong.”

“Yeah, but you were definitely thinking something dirty. I’m just anticipating your moves.”

“Am I so predictable? You’re not wrong, though. Wanna hear my latest jokes?” Richie says with a wink.

“Shut up”, Stan says and this time he doesn’t try to hide his smile. “Let’s go home already, it’s getting late.”

Richie smiles but for once he doesn’t say anything, and they start walking again, shoulder to shoulder, almost touching but not quite. The night air smells of new beginnings. 

Stanley Uris does not love himself. But he thinks he could be able to love Richie.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please consider leaving kudos or maybe a comment down below if you liked this  
> Also, if you want to talk about these kids with me hmu @ fallustoro.tumblr.com


End file.
